Toilet Paper Waste
Catalonia has furthered austerity measures (the new rage in Europe! Get with the program!) by limiting the amount of toilet paper school children can use: now each pupil may utilize up to 25 meters of bumwad per month. This is to combat what has been seen as “excessive consumption”.

Methods of measuring toilet paper consumption are unknown; perhaps they will install some kind of dispenser machine that a TP credit-card will operate, the amount of paper being recorded on the card which will be programmed to cut off TP supply when the student has reached his or her limit. One hopes this will not happen mid-poo.

Anti-Booze Cars
The new world aims at protecting ourselves not only from ourselves, but from death itself, because the modern philosophy has decided that not only is it illegal to die, but that it is utterly and morally wrong.

However, unlike in France where a special breathalyzer is now fitted in all new cars, said machine preventing vehicles from functioning if a driver has imbibed too much, Spain, for the moment, has ruled against such a system. Based on the idea that safe driving is only possible with zero alcohol in one’s body, these Alcolocks would eventually obviate the need for roadside breathalyzers, which currently allow for a small amount of booze.

The driver, after getting in, must take the test with the handheld gadget or else the car won’t start, and then, should the meter fall on the wrong side of the line, the car still won’t start until the driver blows, as it were, clean. The official web page for the product claims that it is tamper-proof, and will not recognize breath from, say, a hamster should you be carrying one around for such a purpose.

The main reason people die on the roads owes more to stupidity and carelessness and, let’s face it, utterly crap driving habits.