Open and Shut
It’s a known fact that women can pack a lot better than men, managing to cram an entire wardrobe into a small suitcase, whereas us chaps can just about manage a couple of shirts and a pair of pants.
Case in point is the woman in Mexico who, after visiting her common-law husband in prison, decided to pack him into her suitcase and wheel him out to freedom.
Staff at the prison in the town of Chetumal in the Caribbean state of Quintana Roo noticed that the 19-year-old female, Maria de Mar Arjona looked rather nervous as she struggled with her rather bulky looking suitcase on wheels.
Gerard Campos, explained that prison guards stopped the female and opened her suitcase to find a rather hot, uncomfortable and rather sheepish Juan Ramirez Tijerina curled up inside. As he was only four years into a 20-year stretch on weapons offences, he and his partner probably thought it was worth a try.
Power Point Porn
This story is a lesson to all employers who have not yet realised that the most important people in their company are not the directors or owners, but the IT crowd.
An IT manager called Walter Powell, 52, who was fired from his job at a company in Baltimore, USA, decided he would leave a little present for his erstwhile employers, by hacking into the CEO’s computer presentation to the board of directors, which instead of showing a slideshow of pie graphs, charts and figures, each image was replaced with pornography instead.
Porno Powell pleaded guilty to two counts of unlawfully accessing a computer causing it to malfunction and guilty to unlawfully possessing a pass code.
Unfortunately, the judge M. Brooke Murdock could not see the funny side of Powell’s actions and sentenced him to two years in prison, which was suspended due to time served, then also gave him 100 hours of community service and three years probation.
Lastly, moody Murdock barred him from possessing any software that would allow him remote access to other computers and ordered him not to go near the home of the chief executive of his former company.
All a bit harsh… but I think he got his point across rather succinctly myself.
Bonkers Britney Bodyguard
With all the mental health issues and strange behaviour, poor old Britney does seem to be an ‘open goal’ for all kinds of spurious accusations and even lawsuits.
Now, the delightful Fernando Flores has decided to leap on the already hugely overloaded bandwagon, to claim that the woman who paid his wages, taxes and expenses and ensured him access to places and people he probably would only have ever seen on the television, sexually harassed him, continually appeared naked in his company and even dared to fart in his presence. So disgusted by all this behaviour was feather my nest Fernando, that he now requires seven millions euros to cope with the psychological damage caused by Ms. Spears’ actions.
The singer’s lawyers have denied all the allegations and are fighting the case vigorously.
Could it possibly be that the beefy bodyguard is truly damaged by the wicked Britney, that his life is destined to be one of therapists and anti-depressants to fight off the demons placed in his head by the sight of Britney Spears naked and demanding sex, whilst farting the US national anthem? Or is he just a greedy bastard who is just full of crap? You decide.
Lightning Death
To Italy now and the bizarre case of Federico Dean, 41, who was killed after being struck by lightening on an Italian mountain, whilst scattering his brother’s ashes.
The million volt lightening bolt struck Federico as he stood in a thunderstorm in an area loved by his younger brother Matteo who was killed in a motorcycle accident in Mexico. The storm moved in just Federico, a local journalist, was emptying the urn. He was killed instantly.
His close friend Gabriele Franco, 35, suffered burns in the incident, but managed to raise the alarm. However, despite the prompt attendance of the police and mountain rescue crews, there was nothing that could be done. Gabriele was taken to a local hospital and is expected to make a full recovery.
A police spokesman said, “ The force of the bolt threw Mr. Dean from the mountain and he fell about 100 metres, however, we believe the massive electric shock from the lightening would probably have killed him instantly.”
Billion Dollars Anyone?
The US has lost its AAA rating, which means absolutely nothing to me, but I’m sure it’s something very economically important. They are even having debt problems… so how come they have over a billion unwanted dollars sitting in their reserves?
Because that billion dollars is in one dollar coins and to make the story even sillier, they are going to continue to make the unwanted dollar coins until 2016 when the congressional mandate agrees it will end.
This strange exercise has so far cost the US over 300 million dollars in production costs, however, the American people just do not like dollar coins and refuse to use them. The government thought they could win the public round by making the coins interesting and educational with a likeness of every former president, starting with George Washington, producing a new coin every quarter… so far, the Mint has managed to produce coins up to the 18th president, Ulysses S. Grant and they have to keep producing until 2016 to catch up.
So, the US government has tried, unsuccessfully to wean the American public away from dollar bills and now has the tidy sum of 1.2 billion dollars in unused and unwanted coinage. All of a sudden, even to a halfwit like myself, Lehman Brothers, Hedge Funds… it’s all beginning to make sense!
Hitler Kitten Homed
The story of ‘Kitler’, the kitten with markings that give it a rather loose resemblance to Hitler, has been found a home by the charity that was looking after her, the Wood Green Animal Shelter in Godmanchester, Cambridgeshire, UK.
Following huge media coverage of the kitten and her small black ‘moustache-like’ marking, the centre was overrun with messages from people who wanted to give the moggy, who it is believed has no ambitions for world domination whatsoever, a new home.
“We are amazed at the response to this story and we have now had well over 500 calls from all over the world,” the charity said on its website.
Not only has the feline fuhrer been found a good and loving home, the charity has received some of the best exposure it’s ever had.
Now all they have to do is find homes for the other cats, Pussolini, Klaws Barbie and Purrmann Goring.
Stupid Genius
We do love a ‘stupid criminal’ story and we are very thankful to Victor Burgos from New York, USA, who, while he was on the Utica police department’s ten most wanted list, decided to taunt the police via facebook.
The, not-so-clever, 29-year-old was wanted by the Utica police on several arrest warrants for domestic violence and the harassment of his ex girlfriend.
His post on facebook was along the lines of, ‘I’m in New York, come and get me if you can.”
Police Sergeant Steve Hauck told reporters, “He told us via facebook to come and get him, and we did.”
Now languishing behind bars, we should wonder if Blundering Burgos regrets not only his facebook status update, but also his words on the website promoting his web design business, in which he describes himself as ‘…simply put, a design genius.’ Well, at least he can put that genius to work rearranging his cell to make it more welcoming for his new boyfriends.
Children Sold
This is one of those stories doing the rounds on the Internet and was then picked up by the US news company ABC News. Let’s hope it’s not true, and that people are really not this nasty.
The allegation is that a Chinese couple were so addicted to playing video games in Internet cafes that when they had no more money to play, they sold their three children to finance their addiction.
Chinese newspaper Sanxiang City News, reported that the couple, who are both under the age of 21, met in an Internet café in 2001.
According to local media sources, the couple got into real financial difficulties in 2009 and decided they would sell their second child, a girl, for around 400 euros. The couple were pleased with the money but when it ran out, they decided to sell their first born, a boy, for 4,000 euros. This amount of money gave them enough time to play the video games and for the girl to get herself pregnant again (although where they found the time to procreate completely defeats me!).
Anyway, as you can guess, the money ran out and when the baby was born, they sold it for a further 4,000 euros.
It was at this point that the father’s mother reported them to the authorities and they were detained. Incredibly, according to the Sanxiang City News, they claimed that they didn’t realise that they were doing anything wrong or breaking the law.
Crafty Cow
We all know how much the Germans love their sausages… and rightly so! But a cow by the name of Yvonne has decided she doesn’t want to play her part in the sausage process… that of being slaughtered and chopped up.
We can only assume that Yvonne put on some sort of a disguise, as she appears to have just wandered away from the butcher’s business and off into nearby woods, where it appears she then changed her disguise to that of a deer… yes, a deer! Dozens of locals have reported seeing Yvonne grazing happily with a herd of deer, still quite close to the area from which she disappeared.
However, despite several attempts by the Bavarian sausage maker and local authorities, they were unable to locate Yvonne. Getting more angry by the minute, the sausage maker gave local hunters permission to shoot Yvonne on sight.
Naturally, animal rights campaigners in Germany are not at all happy about this and have arranged huge search parties to try and locate Yvonne before the wicked sausage maker gets to her.
All the searching and arguing has been to no avail, as Yvonne appears to have outsmarted them all and remains at large. But, in the meantime, Michael Aufhauser, an Austrian multimillionaire, tree hugger and animal lover has agreed to purchase the brave bovine should she ever decide to come out of hiding and face the media. Clever cow.
Atomic Apartment
It is quite obvious that Richard Handl, the Swedish man who was arrested for trying to build a nuclear reactor in his home, is quite possibly a pubic hair short of a plughole… (mad).
But one can’t help but admire his ingenuity, bearing in mind his experiment included the use of extremely radioactive elements such as radium, americium and uranium.
“I’ve always been interested in physics and chemistry,” explained Mr. Handl, “I just wanted to see if it’s possible to split atoms at home,” he said.
Incredibly, Handl’s mad experiment was only brought to an end when he contacted Sweden’s Radiation Authority, just to check that what he was doing was not illegal. Well, guess what? The response from the Swedish government was to send a police and radiation team to his apartment and place him under arrest.
Keeping a record of his experiment, Handl put everything on a blog, which stopped briefly with a short message saying, ‘experiment cancelled due to arrest.’
If convicted, ‘mushroom cloud’ Handl could face up to two years in prison, although Sweden’s own mad scientist doesn’t seem deterred and is even updating his blog with links to the news coverage his experiment has received since his detention.
Manhole Minefield
The unfortunate Zhang Bo was doing his usual bob and weave through the crazy traffic in Changchun in the northeast of China, when everything went terribly wrong.
His motorcycle took a sudden dive straight down a manhole towards the sewer below, throwing the baffled Bo over the handlebars and some distance down the road.
Witness to the incident Hui Shi said, “Cars were missing the hole by putting their wheels on either side of it, but the motorbike was behind a vehicle in the middle of the road and just dropped straight into the hole.”
Like most motorcyclists in that part of the world, Zhang wasn’t wearing a helmet at the time of the accident, an oversight that cost him a fractured skull and a broken jaw.
Local police explained that manhole covers were going missing on a regular basis, to be sold as scrap metal, and the type of accident suffered by Zhang is on the increase.
As a footnote, manhole cover thefts are also becoming a problem in Britain, where they are being stolen for exactly the same reason.
Sneeze Salvation
Doctors in Chile claim they have cured an 11-year-old girl of her sneezing disorder. The poor lass is said to have been sneezing for the last two and a half months, ending up with her in hospital when she was sneezing up to 12,000 times a day! That’s once every three seconds!
Luckily for young Ayleen Cereceda, the Santiago University Hospital has a rather good neurologist called Efe Macarena Landaeta, who explained, “It was diagnosed that the problem was a tic, exacerbated by an emotional issue.”
Ayleen was only getting a break from the sneezing when she slept, which for obvious reasons was not very much. However, in hospital she was placed under close observation by a crack team of specialists, which included, ENT doctors, immunologists, neurologists, psychiatrists and psychologists. After several days of observations and tests the team agreed the treatment would be a psychological and pharmacological, the drugs side of things being neuroleptic medication, which are pills normally prescribed to treat tics, such as tourette’s syndrome.
The medication had an immediate effect and Ayleen stopped sneezing, although that is only the beginning of the six months of treatment.
Even so, Ayleen is over the moon, “I feel relieved. I’m happy because the sneezing has stopped and I no longer have pains in my neck, head or belly,” she explained.
The doctors are pleased with the results so far, but confessed that the hospital had never seen anything like this before, saying that there are only fifteen cases described in medical literature.
After nine days in hospital Ayleen has been allowed home and will continue her treatment as an outpatient and her mother will save a small fortune in tissues!
Punchy Paco
Paco is small… I mean really small. Well he would be, as he is a Chihuahua, but as I keep pointing out to my wife, small can sometimes be extremely effective.
‘Cometh the day, cometh the Chihuahua’ as the saying goes, or something very similar, but Paco’s day came recently when he was doing what he loves to do every day, that is sleep peacefully in his owners shop.
Two masked men entered the shop; one of them armed with a rifle and demanded money. For some reason, the normally very placid Paco took exception to their attitude and definitely didn’t like the ‘cut of their jib’ and he was having none of it.
Leaping from his sleeping position he started barking at the men, even when the one with the rifle pointed it straight at him, Paco just fronted it out, continuing to bark and snap.
The men were given a small amount of money, but with the noise and snapping going on around their feet, decided to call it a day and ran off. Now that should have been an end to the matter, but Paco was angry, in fact Paco was very angry and off he charged, out through the shop doorway in hot pursuit of the two rotten robbers. He only gave up at the end of the street when he suddenly realised that he was not a Doberman and that he couldn’t keep up with two men on legs that are only two inches long. So, with a last bark and a snap, Paco returned to the shop.
Since the incident, the YouTube footage of the robbery have become a sensation and Paco has been on several talk shows, although he appears to be a shy chap, leaving his owner to do the talking.
Now that all the fuss has pretty much died down, Paco the mild mannered Chihuahua just sleeps quietly in his owners shop, much as he did before…but with one eye slightly open and focussed on the door!
Bear Rehab
This story is knocking around the Internet and although does appear to have some comedy value at first glance, it is really very sad.
The authorities in Ukraine are actually building a rehabilitation centre for bears that have problems with alcohol. It is reported that there are many bears are being enticed by the owners of cafés and restaurants with beer and vodka, as a business with bears hanging around attracts all the tourists. Unfortunately, the beer and vodka becomes addictive (tell me about it!), and the bears then have to keep returning to get their ‘fix’.
So, it has now come about that the ministry for the environment and natural resources has decided to construct a facility where that can take captured bears and rid them of their addiction before releasing them again.
The minister Mykola Zlochesvsky believes that the centre is a sign of his country’s intentions and that it will help rid Ukraine of this embarrassing problem.
Just thinking of what the first meeting in the new centre might be like… “Hi, my name’s Yogi and I’m an alcoholic…”.
Ouch!
The World Section in the Gazette just wouldn’t be the same without the words ‘only in America’.
The month’s contribution is from Phoenix, Arizona, where a local man by the name of Joshua Seto, 27, was kind enough to carry his girlfriend’s pink pistol for her. Unfortunately, Seto decided to carry the said firearm in the waistband of his trousers.
During the couple’s visit to Fry’s Food Store in Phoenix, the firearm somehow discharged, shooting Seto through his penis and left leg.
Needless to say, Seto started to bleed profusely and his girlfriend dialled 911 immediately, “He’s still coherent and everything, but he’s bleeding quite a lot,” she explained to the operator, who in turn told her to apply pressure to the wounds with a dry towel or T-shirt. She was also advised not to look at the wound to the penis… which is much like telling a child not to look in the box on the table whilst you are out of the room. Obviously she had a peek, “I did look at it,” said Cara. “It’s pretty bad.”
The story was picked up by ABC15 in the States and they and other local media say that Seto is still in hospital, but there is no information as to the extent of the damage to his mangled member.
The penis shooting prompted the Arizona police to make a statement, in which they reminded gun owners that the only safe place to carry a concealed handgun is in a holster, never down the waistband of you trousers, front or back.
Stitched Up
There are always two sides to every story… or so they say. Firstly, let’s do the one that everyone really wants to hear.
The Wuhan No.3 Hospital in Wuhan itself, which is the capital of the Hubei Province of China admitted a 20-year-old patient called Zeng, who was brought in by his friend after badly cutting his hand whilst washing dishes in a nearby restaurant. They could not stop the bleeding and the wound required several stitches.
The doctor who treated the young Zeng was Dr. He, who stitched the injury and then demanded 1,830 yuan for his work. Unfortunately, Zeng and his mate Wu could only muster 1,00 yuan and with their boss from the restaurant away on a business trip they could not get the money to pay.
Wu explained to a local newspaper later that the doctor said they had to pay there and then or he would remove the stitches. The two young men did not have the money, so the doctor removed the stitches he had just administered… without anaesthetic!
Clutching his bleeding hand, Zeng managed to get to another hospital where the wound was stitched up for 800 yuan.
The other side of the coin is told by the doctor himself, who says he explained to the two men how much the treatment would be, but the men complained that it was far too expensive. The doctor claims he explained that it was the hospital that set the prices, but said that the man then demanded that he remove the stitches, then stormed out of the hospital.
The doctor has been suspended and there will be an investigation by government officials.