The coming into being of a new law to protect consumers from spam calls is proving to be as useful as a stretched limousine in Mercadona’s underground car park. Telefónica and the whole herd of phone-botherers really couldn’t give a damn.

How many times, for instance, have you received a call from 900 10 10 10 (Telefónica) to inform you of their latest bargains? It matters not that you point out that as they are recording the conversation, they should take note of the fact that you do not wish to receive anymore calls from them, even threatening to sue them for ‘ocoso’ (harassment).

So, having come to the conclusion that it is no good appealing to their sense of legality, what do you do? Strapping on an explosive vest and skipping off down to the nearest Telefónica office might provide some instant & momentary gratification, but what’s the sense of 70 virgins if you can’t find your toggle, along with the rest of your divorced extremities?

Do you have the technological skills and required apparatus so send 50,000 volts down the phone line? And besides; what about the electricity bill? Certainly, you could take 100 phone operators hostage and shoot one every time you get a 900 call, but you would only be solving Teléfonica’s salary problems and saving it from redundancy payments.

Nah, there has to be another way… and there is… pull your own foreskin over your head and hum the Zimbabwean national anthem until you either pass out or the caller desists. Be prepared to repeat this tactic.

Ladies, pull your husband’s over his head for him and then hum, “Anything you can do, I can do better.” It won’t solve your phone problems but it will make you feel better.

However, the most effective feminine option is put the telephone in your handbag – it is scientifically proven that you won’t hear it.

Back to the Gentlemen and failing all else, courageously opt for your mother-in-law’s thighs for their muffling effect and change the Zimbabwean national anthem for the 1812 Overture, performed by the Philharmonic Orchestra of Coprolalia Sufferers.