Criminally Unstable
With the financial problems being caused by the economic crisis, if any of our wonderful readers decide on a career change to bank robber, read this carefully, you must plan ahead.
In Bulgaria, a hapless bank robber decided to make his getaway on a motorbike. This may seem to be a good choice, motorbikes being fast and capable of sneaking down narrow alleyways, inaccessible to police cars. However, the clue is in the country, as Bulgarian currency is not as easy to transport as our wonderful €500 notes, and our bungling baddie managed to get away with around €180,000 which is about 280,000 Bulgarian leva, which has as its largest denomination the 100 leva note.
In short, the bag of loot was too big, to heavy and too unstable, and the robber’s day came to an abrupt end when he lost his balance and fell from his machine and was promptly arrested.
Things didn’t go too well for his accomplice either, who had also decided on the motorcycle as his chosen form of escape, and even though his was less encumbered by cash, he did unfortunately manage to stall his machine directly outside the police station in the town of Petrich in southwest Bulgaria, near the Macedonian-Greek border. Needless to say, both are now residing in police custody and are not believed to be entering any criminal mastermind competitions in the near future.
Ropey Reprieve
San Quentin jail in California USA informed the media of a sad case in which a 70-year-old inmate hanged himself in his cell, not realising that his death sentence had been lifted almost a week previously.
State Prison spokesman Lt. Sam Robinson said that guards had found George Smithey hanging from a noose improvised from his bed sheets and tied around the cell bars.
His death sentence was overturned on August 23rd by a Calaveras County judge, more than 20 years after Smithey was convicted of killing a woman there during a 1988 break-in. The judge decided that Smithey was mentally retarded under state standards set many years after his trial, and he was therefore ineligible for the death penalty. His sentence was commuted to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Mr. Robinson said he did not know whether Smithey had learned that this death sentence had been commuted (in other words, they hadn’t told him yet). Smithey did not leave a note.
Lucky Leap
It could be construed as an unlucky leap, as it is believed that Thomas Magill, 22, jumped from 39 floors up in an attempted suicide, personally I think he was trying to escape from all the bed bugs. However, in a freak of luck (good or bad), he landed on a parked card and survived.
Mr. Magill, a graduate of Fordham University in New York, decided to end it all when he leapt from his apartment building in Manhattan. Incredibly, he destroyed the parked sports car but was actually conscious when the emergency services arrived. A passer-by saw the incident, “He came down feet first at like 100 mph,” he explained to the New York Daily News, “That’s a miracle if I’ve every seen one. He should be a goner,” he concluded.
Magill was taken to a local hospital and found to have a badly broken leg, a collapsed lung and shattered ankle. Witnesses said he was definitely conscious during the operation to remove him from the car, in fact he was screaming at the paramedics about the pain in his leg.
The construction worker who parked the car, Guy McCormack said, “I can’t believe this. My car saved his life.” He had parked moments before while he worked nearby. Every cloud has a silver lining… Mr. McCormack admitted that he had in fact borrowed his wife’s car that day.
Wrinkly Wedding
Age doesn’t matter? Obviously not when you take a look at a recent wedding in Argentina, where the bride was 82 and the groom just 24!
Our groom Reinaldo Waveqche tied the knot with Adelfa Volpes in the town of Santa Fe, and despite the 58-year difference in their ages he doesn’t see it as a problem, “I don’t care what other people say,” he mused as he affectionately stroked his brides wrinkled bingo wing, just before leading her to into their civil ceremony.
The couple have actually known each other for quite some time, as Adelfa was one of his mother’s best friends, and when she passed away Reinaldo they became very close, he was just 15 at the time and he decided to move in with Adelfa, and then, when he was 18 things became a bit more serious (sorry, but yuk!) Adelfa readily encouraged this new level, and she, like him, thinks that the age difference makes no difference whatsoever to their relationship.
The newlyweds are spending their honeymoon in Rio de Janeiro. Neither has any children from previous relationships and they are unlikely to be blessed with any in this one.
Reinaldo summed up his untion by saying, “I’ve always like mature women,” he said. Yes mate, but there’s mature, and then there’s mature!
Bare Faced Liar
This is the story of a woman in Vancouver who was thought to be the victim of a horrendous acid attack which has left her face permanently scarred. Now, after admitting to a stunned public that she inflicted the injuries on herself, she is being charged with three counts of theft, all in connection with fundraisers following the alleged attack.
Bethany Storro had maintained that her injuries were the result of an attack by a black woman in the Esther Park area of downtown Vancouver, an attack which saw acid thrown into Storro’s face.
Police became suspicious of the story because the damage to her face was not indicative of the liquid being thrown, in other words, no small splash damage and no damage to the eyes whatsoever. Eventually Storro confessed.
“I thought there would be no evidence of me doing it to myself,” she told police. “I thought you guys would give up on trying to find the person and it would be done.”
Court documents now show that Storro purchased drain cleaner to mix with the acid and a pair of gloves, she then applied the mixture to her face by soaking a towel and holding it in place (hence no splashing or damage to the eyes). Doctors told police they were suspicious from the beginning about the burn pattern on her face.
Several large companies and local people held fundraising events to help Storro from which she received some 20,000 dollars.
Whilst in custody, Storro’s parents made a statement apologising on her behalf and saying that they had believed, “as any good parent would” that their daughter had been the victim of an attack.
Bullet Brain
An 86-year-old veteran of the Korean War had been complaining about having a headache for 60 years. Now, at a recent physical check-up at a Hengyang hospital in the Chinese province of Hunan, it was found the reason for the headache was that Xu Fangyao has had something on his mind… namely a bullet.
The x-ray images showed the bullet pointing away from his face, but Xu believes the bullet probably changed direction over the years, as he can remember that he was shot in the right eye during a battle near the 38th parallel on the Korean Peninsula.
One bullet was removed from Xu’s head in a field hospital, but despite Xu explaining that he had been hit twice, doctors failed to find the other offending lump of lead. So Xu, along with his newly found headache, found himself back fighting just three months after being shot twice in the face.
Today’s doctors explained that Xu had survived the second bullet because it had eventually come to rest a few millimetres away from his brain.
Wining Catholics
The Catholic Archdiocese of Mexico is looking for a new supplier of communion wine after three of the main suppliers within Mexico shut down production in July, and now supplies are extremely low, causing the church to look towards the US, Chile, Spain, Italy or France for supplies.
A church spokesman (I wont waste my time putting spokesperson) said that an average parish with 800 churchgoers attending Sunday Mass consumes around four to five bottles of wine a month, with each bottle costing an average of 90 pesos. When you think that 80% of her 106 million inhabitants are Catholics, which adds up to an awful lot of vino.
The concern for the Catholic Church in Mexico is that if the production of local wine does not recommence soon, they will have to go down the importation path, which will mean a five-fold increase in cost per bottle.
Whale Worrying?
Most of us probably did some rather silly things when we were bored as youngsters, you know the kind of thing, perhaps ‘borrowing’ some apples from a neighbour’s tree, riding a pedal cycle rather dangerously on the pavement or maybe exposing your buttocks at the window of Woolworths to shock the shoppers inside… (Well, perhaps the last one was just me…)
Well, the Australian authorities are on the look out for a young man who indulges in a bit of ‘whale riding’ to pass the time.
Several witnesses have seen him climb onto the back of a Southern Right Whale and ride the animal for several minutes at a time.
Whilst this is probably great fun, and very impressive to girls, the problem is that harassing wildlife in Australia is a serious offence and can result in a large fine, say officials, as well as being dangerous.
Department of Environment and Conservation spokesman Mike Shephard was interviewed by the BBC in Albany, Western Australia, “If you are in the way of a tail slap, you are unlikely to survive.”
“Disturbance or physical contact with whales not only causes distress to them but could result in a tragic outcome for a foolhardy person,” Shephard added.
Western Australia has strict laws in place, specific to marine life, including a minimum distance of 30m for swimmers and surfers when in the vicinity of whales.
Puff Patrol
When police in Illinois stopped Giovanni Lyles-Dawson in his car, he realised he was in trouble. Although he was being stopped solely for having expired registration plates, he was aware he was going to be in big trouble for the Marijuana in his possession. It was then that Giovanni had a brainwave… Which is not easy when you’re on your third spliff of the day (or so I am told.)
Police said they asked Mr. Lyles-Dawson to get out of the car, but instead he locked his door and rolled up his window. Sitting in the passenger seat was Jayne Dawson, Giovanni’s mother, who obligingly locked her door as well. Both occupants were now refusing to leave the vehicle, with Giovanni smoking up a storm in the drivers seat.
Police eventually managed to coax Giovanni out of the vehicle, and swaying unsteadily on his feet he came out with the immortal line, “I smoked the weed! There’s no weed in the car because I smoked it all!”
Giovanni was ticketed for having expired plates and arrested on charges of obstructing police, possession of drug paraphernalia (not of drugs, because he did in fact smoke the lot!) and a previous warrant for non-payment of child support.
His mother was charged with obstructing police.
Phuket Face Piercing
(DD) Ever wanted to banish a few evil spirits? Well, try sticking a spanner through your face. It may sound crazy, but that is the kind of thing that happens at the annual Phuket Vegetarian Festival, where participants pierce their skin with all manner of implements, even axes!
The revellers are trying to cleanse themselves and banish evil spirits and diseases, and they believe that divine spirits (yeah, probably a shed load of vodka!) have entered their bodies and given them supernatural strength, which enables them to withstand the pain.
Actually, the joke about vodka can’t be true as, just to make the ordeal all the more torturous, participants abstain from alcohol, sex and being a veggie even, meat for the duration of the entire nine-day event, which takes places during the first two weeks in October.
You’ve heard the Ed moaning about the fireworks exploding at all hours in Almuñécar, well this festival would suit him down to the ground, as they also use extremely loud fireworks during the evenings to scare away nasty demons.
Charred Chopper
(DD) A 46-year-old woman from South Australia has been charged with murder after her husband died in a fire. As it turns out, she really didn’t want to kill him, she just wanted to burn his penis badly enough that it would be disfigured. Why? I hear you all asking.
Well, according to a neighbour, he saw the family standing outside the burning house, and when he spoke to the accused, Rajini Narayan, she allegedly said told him that she was sorry as it was her who started the fire, and of course the friendly neighbour told her not to worry, but she responded, “No, no, you don’t understand. I thought my husband was having an affair; I only wanted to burn his penis. I wanted to disfigure it so no other woman would want to look at it,” she said, according to Mr. Chandler.
The husband, Satish Narayan, did not die immediately, and managed to get out of the house, but the attempt to torch his todge left him with 75% burns, and he succumbed several weeks later in hospital.
The trial continues.
60kg 3-Year Old
(DD) This is the story of Xiao Hao, who is just three years old and is so large that local nurseries have banned him as a health hazard to other children.
His mum says that she has begged doctors to help her to reduce the size of her ‘toddler’ who she can’t even take swimming as no trunks seem to get over his hippo-like hips and even the rubber rings are too small to go round his ample girth.
Some of the doctors who have seen Xiao think he may have a growth hormone disorder, while others suggest he is just over stuffing his chubby chops and is the victim of his mother in a case of China’s ‘Little Emperor’ syndrome said to be symptomatic of China’s law allowing only one child per family – that child then gets spoilt by every relative.
Dr. Lu Hong from the Guangdong children’s hospital says that he hopes it is hormonal, as they will be able to find a treatment for him.
Treatment? Just put the greedy little lardy arse on bread and water for a few months… that’ll sort him out!
Gorilla Theft
(DD) If you live in a big city such as New York, you might expect to see some sort of crime at some stage. But a Long-Island teenager was more than a little shocked when two gorillas and a chicken stole his bike!
The teenager was mildly amused when the people dressed in animal costumes approached him, but his amusement turned to shock as one of the gorillas punched the lad in the head, knocking him from his bike.
The chicken then mounted the bike and rode off, while the gorillas ran away.
The teenager suffered minor injuries and was treated at a local hospital, but released shortly afterwards. Detectives are now on the look out for the animal fugitives and intend to hunt them down.
Man Bites Dog
(DD) This strange incident happened in West Haven, Conn. US, when Officer Scott Bloom spotted a regular drug user called Roderick Lewis walking towards him. Lewis, being of a rather manic disposition, shouted at the officer, “I need a bag of dust,” which is street slang for angel dust, or PCP.
As the very aggressive Lewis neared the officer he reached into his waistband, so the officer grabbed his arm, fearing the suspect was making a move for a weapon. At this point, Lewis punched Officer Bloom.
Officer Bloom’s partner that evening was Onyx the police dog, who took great umbrage at his best friend being punched by the skinny man with anger management issues. He immediately leapt at Lewis attaching himself to his leg. Lewis, then decided that if that was the way the dog wanted to play it, he would have a little chomp himself, so in return he bit into the dog’s side, and so they remained until the officer recovered enough to drag the suspect away and restrain him.
Whilst Officer Bloom and Onyx were both treated for their injuries, the dog biter was charged with assault on a police officer, disorderly conduct and cruelty to animals.