Baby Bounce
It has often been said that when it’s your time to die, you’re doomed, no matter what. Conversely, if it’s not… well, let’s just say that circumstances can sometimes be in your favour to prevent even what appears to be certain death.

The story begins in Paris, where an 18-month-old baby girl was left in the charge of her older sister in their 7th-floor apartment. Needless to say, the child looking after the baby did not keep a close enough watch on her, and she ended up climbing out of a window onto a ledge.

The first piece of luck was that a young boy in the street below saw the baby girl and pointed her out to his father just as she fell. The second piece of luck was that directly below the apartment window is a café, and the previous evening staff could not get the terrace awning to close and deciding it was broken, left it open.

The baby fell directly onto the awning and bounced off, directly into the arms of the observant boy’s father… which is where the third piece of luck comes into play… the man who caught the baby was a doctor and not a goalkeeper, who would obviously have bounced the baby twice on the pavement and then drop kicked her to the other side of the road.

Upon landing in the arms of the man, the baby cried for a few minutes and then promptly fell asleep, and after being checked over was found to be completely unharmed. The parents have been arrested and charged with child abuse/neglect. The sibling probably still has her iPod earphones in and is probably watching MTV and probably still doesn’t know what has happened to her baby or the parents.

Only in America!
We all know how difficult times have been lately for vehicle dealers, with sales down, we often see offers of a year’s free insurance, a free SatNav system or even cash back. Not in Florida USA however… Oh no, over there you get a free AK-47 assault rifle with every pick-up purchased!

On the up side, at least it keeps death off the roads, with a maximum effective range of 400 metres you can easily pick off people quite some distance from the road from the comfort of your new truck! Let’s face it, an AK-47 is not the weapon of choice for rabbit or wild boar hunting, it’s exclusively used for people killing.

The manager of Nations Trucks in Florida, Nick Ginetta, says business has more than doubled since the promotion was announced. He admitted that even in the ‘gun friendly’ US he has come in for some criticism, but defended the move, saying, ‘My buyer is absolutely a gun owner, no question.’
The promotion ends at the end of November, and the only advice we at the Gazette can offer is that if you take a ‘fly drive’ holiday to the States in the near future, think twice before raising your middle finger to that idiot pick-up driver who cuts you up at the traffic lights!

Brain Gain
Travellers on a bus in Peru were more than a little shocked when the smell emanating from the cargo hold area of the bus turned out to be, not one, but two human brains, not particularly well preserved in formalin solution.
The bus was travelling through northern Peru when passengers reported a strange smell to the driver, who immediately stopped the vehicle and tracked the putrid pong to the cargo area of the bus.

Police were called after the discovery and after reading them their rights, took both brains into custody.

Investigations have so far established who sent the brains, but as yet there is no indication as to whether the cerebral shipment was the result of medical or criminal activity. However, when trying to solve such a mystery, we at the Gazette firmly believe that two brains are better than one. (Hmmm, I in two minds over that one… – Ed)

Smokey Soccer
A Czech football league match was halted in mid flow recently when players and spectators were inadvertently tear-gassed by the police.

The CTK news agency in Prague said that the match between Banik Ostrava and Viktoria Pilsen in the Czech city of Ostrava in the east of the country had been underway for around 17 minutes when the incident occurred.

A group of Ostrava fans, who had been boycotting recent home games and refusing to pay the entry fee into the stadium, were watching the match from a grassy bank overlooking the stadium when they clashed with police.
The police decided that there was only one way to deal with these feisty football followers, and proceeded to deploy tear gas canisters. Not taking into consideration the wind direction. The toxic cloud drifted away from the grassy bank and rolled down into the conveniently windless bowl of the nearby stadium, with the full effects being felt by players, officials, police and spectators.

The match did resume after 20 minutes and the league leaders Viktoria Pilsen won 2-0. Brings a tear to the eye… (Onions? –Ed)

King Con
It has often been said that extremely talented people are often flawed, which leaves them vulnerable. Luckily my exceptional talent has only brought me depression, poverty and the odd slap.

However, a truly talented jazz pianist called Roger Davidson who has actually won a Grammy award for his music, and is also rather blessed when it comes to money as well, being the great-grandson of an oil tycoon, was definitely ‘spotted’ a long way off.

So when Mr. Davidson turned up at a computer repair shop, with his virus-infested laptop under his arm, talented and rich he may be, but the manager of the shop just saw a huge dollar sign walking through the door.

It started with the simple task of baffling Mr. Davidson with ‘computer talk’ and then charging him a ridiculous amount of money to get his computer back in working order.

This was back in 2004, and the computer repairman, Vickram Bedi, 36, realised immediately that he had a truly easy ‘mark’ on his hands and brought his girlfriend Helga Invarsdottir, 39, into the plan. Between them, they came up with a con, so ridiculously implausible, that had it been used for a Bond movie, it would have been laughed off the screen.

Firstly, Bedi informed Davidson that he had uncovered evidence that his life was in danger. Then the girlfriend, Invarsdottir, posed as a CIA agent and met up with Davidson telling him that a Polish priest with links to Opus Dei had put out a contract on him… I told you it was a tad on the ridiculous side!

Davidson not only fell for the scam, but also was convinced to pay 160,000 dollars a month as protection money, which strangely was handed to Bedi’s Mount Kisco, New York store.
Even more incredible is that the con ran for six years! Then, someone in the Davidson family with a more than just the one lonesome brain cell heard what was happening and contacted the police.

Both Bedi and his girlfriend were recently arrested just as they were about to leave the US for Iceland after taking the gullible Davidson for over six million dollars!

I’m very sorry, but quite a large part of me wishes they had made it onto the plane and freedom…. ‘Audacious’ just doesn’t cover it!

Beware of the Dog!
When you think of police dogs, you generally think of German Shepherds, Rottweillers or even drug-enforcement animals, such as Springer Spaniels… but a Chihuahua!

Well, Momo the Chihuahua turned up for her exams along with 70 other hopeful pooches and ignored the scoffs and laughs from the other dogs and their handlers, and then proceeded to pass all the tests with flying colours. In one such test she was given just a quick sniff of a policeman’s cap and then made to wait for five minutes. She then successfully sniffed out the man within minutes.

As we know, Japan is prone to earthquakes and the police like to have sniffer-dogs capable of not just finding nasty robbers, but also people who are possibly buried under tons of rubble. And let’s face it, the tiny Momo can get into areas other dogs would find difficult to even get their heads in. A police spokesperson conceded that the appointment was ‘quite unusual,’ but pointed out, “Any breed of dog can be entered to become a police dog in the search and rescue division.”

People may laugh, but if you’re ever stuck under 10 floors of rubble and suddenly see the smallest of pooches squeeze through a tiny opening in the debris, you may well be rather pleased she joined. (Yes, especially if you haven’t eaten for a week… – Ed)

Cocky Kinsella
An Irish mine worker, Donal Kinsella, has been awarded an incredible 10 million euros in compensation after the mining company he worked for suggested that his naked sleep walk, whilst on a company trip to Africa, was more of bid to have a bit of jungle rumpy-pumpy with a company secretary.

He sued his former employers after they released a press statement which said his antics ‘were sexually motivated and not the result of sleepwalking.’

The legal team acting on behalf of the mining company Kenmare Resources, were shocked by the decision and have applied for an immediate halt on the release of the funds and describing the award as ‘off the Richter Scale.’

It was quite obvious the judge in the case thought the award extraordinary, when he described it as ‘unusually large,’ and during his summing up he actually said to the jury, “Correct me if I’m mistaken… but you have awarded compensatory damages of €9 million and aggravated damages of €1.”

Mr. Kinsella said he was cock-a-hoop with the award and that he would not be flash with the money, adding, “I am vindicated. My name is cleared.”

Toothy Time Bomb
Andi Susanto, a 31-year-old security guard from Indonesia, thought he was pretty cool as he sped along on his motorbike with the wind in his hair and a cigarette hanging casually from his mouth. But, this is the World section, so you can guess that Andi’s day is about to take a turn for the worse.

For some, as yet, unexplained reason, the cigarette in his mouth exploded. But not the little bang we used to get from cigarettes by placing a joke ‘popper’ inside; this explosion caused Mr. Susanto some serious facial damage.

The mushy mouthed Mr. Susanto was immediately taken to hospital where he received several stitches in face and mouth and also had six damaged teeth removed. Then, just to make the story even more mysterious, the tobacco company stepped in and said they would foot the bill for all Mr. Susanto’s medical treatment.

Police launched an investigation into what had caused the cigarette to explode, but as yet there has been no explanation or results from the tests done on the remains.
As for the tooth-worthy Andi Susanto, well he says he has now quit smoking, and as the tobacco company paid for everything, has also decided not to sue them (one wonders how much he actually received).

School Arrest
It’s very easy to use the old ‘only in America’ phrase with this one, but the way political correctness and the lack of respect and discipline in our European schools are going, this could well be happening over hear in the near future.

A 12-year-old Latino girl committed the heinous crime of writing ‘I love my friends, Abby and Faith… Lex was here…’ on her desk. The words were written in ‘washable’ ink, and in my, rather different schooldays, would have resulted in a good hiding and my break time being spent cleaning the desk and probably all the others in the class.

However, in today’s climate of fear where the teaching staff is not allowed to touch the children or discipline them in any meaningful way, staff in New York turned ‘school security’ over to the police in 1998. Although this move proved to be a good idea at first, the number of police assigned to schools has increased by 73 percent since then.

Anyway, back to our young Latino girl, Alexa González, who had been caught writing on her desk. Well, the teaching staff, unwilling to punish the girl themselves, took the easy option of informing the on-site police of the damage caused. The police, who are no experts when it comes school discipline, followed up the complaint in the only way they knew how, which was to slap the cuffs on Alexa and take her to the police station.

She was later taken with a parent to a family court that imposed eight hours community service and ordered her to write an essay on what she had learned from the experience.
This is not an isolated incident in NY by any means, so watch this space, coming to a school near you, children in handcuffs and taken away in police cars.

Anthem Jail Threat
(DD) You often see a mixture of singing styles at an international football match, with some of the players singing loud and proud, some mumbling out a few words and others simply tight lipped and wondering if their hair looks good on TV.

This is not a scenario that is likely to be seen in the Philippines in the near future as the lower house in the capital, Manila, have voted 196-0 in favour of passing a law that prohibits poor performance of Lupang Hinirang, which means Beloved Land.

With that sort of majority in the lower house, the new law is expected to get the go-ahead when it appears before the Senate, and then singers who don’t put enough into their vocal veneration of the Philippines could find themselves hit with a fine of around €1,500 and the possibility of some jail time!

The law will extend to any inappropriate or unpatriotic displaying of the Philippine flag.

Representative Salvador Escudero, the bill’s main author, explained that the idea was to heighten patriotism. “Our Congress has given more teeth to the government campaign to invigorate patriotism and respect by singing our anthem properly.”

Musicians in the Philippines modifying the anthem and seeing the flag being worn as t-shirts and shorts had apparently angered Escudero.

He would have loved the Sex Pistols version of God Save The Queen, don’t you think?

Rocket Rubbish
(DD) The local people living in a Chinese hamlet in Suichuan County in Jiangxi live a simple life, and they appear quite happy living the quiet life. So, they were rather shocked, one recent night, when they heard two very loud explosions. Thinking that it must be an earthquake, the villagers did not discover the real cause until daylight.

Morning light revealed two hug pieces of metal from the Chinese lunar probe Chang II. Actually, the probe was fine and on it’s way to the moon, and the huge chunks of metal were from the discarded booster rocket.

The probe was zapped towards it’s lunar goal, strapped hopefully to the back of a Long March 3C rocket, which was kicked off when the probe was on it’s way, and fell back to earth.

While the villagers gave thanks that the debris caused no injuries, the probe continued on its reconnaissance mission of the moon, which is part of future plans for an unmanned lunar landing by the Chinese in 2012 and ultimately to put astronauts on the moon’s surface in 2017.

Let’s face it, they are about the only nation left in the in the world who can afford such projects.

Offensive Weapon?
(DD) A Federal Prosecutor has found himself in deep water (literally) after deciding to take a dip in a Miami hotel swimming pool wearing just his boxer shorts.

Sean Cronin, 35, was enjoying himself watching sport on the poolside TV on a particularly hot day, and decided he would like to have a swim. Having no swimming trunks with him, he thought it would do no harm to have a quick dip in just his boxers. But this being the good old US of A, things weren’t quite that simple… and white boxers when wet don’t give even the smallest of men much modesty.

Poor old Sean Cock-a-hoop Cronin found himself charged with a felony, lewd and lascivious exhibition as well as a misdemeanour, resisting a police officer without violence. Not a good day by anybody’s standards!

According to the arrest report, a girl and her mother reported Cocky Cronin to pool staff after seeing his genitalia exposed as he exited the pool.

Sausage Worthy Sean didn’t help his case by getting a bit mouthy with pool staff and police, after which he even leapt over a few fences in an attempt to get away… luckily he didn’t snag anything on the top of the fences… mind you, the water was rather cold.

Jolted Jogger
(DD) Police officers in West Melbourne, Florida we somewhat surprised to see a young man jogging alongside a busy road wearing nothing but a pair of swimming goggles.

A spokesman for the West Melbourne Police Department explained, “He was jogging buck-naked and didn’t even have shoes on. We suspected he was under the influence as he was a little incoherent. As it turned out he was a nice young man and was apologetic for the inconvenience he had caused us,” he said.

That is, of course, after they had Tasered the poor chap! The 18-year-old must have been quite clearly unarmed, so why he couldn’t be detained by a burly police officer in body armour is still a mystery to me.

Anyway, the officers were obviously disturbed by the size of his weapon and decided the only way they could stop him running, and avoid a nasty eye injury from the swinging member, was to Taser him, after which they took him to hospital.

From the hospital, with borrowed clothing and his weapon of mass destruction secured, he was taken to the police station and charged with exposure of his sexual organs and resisting arrest.

Charlie is Stubbed Out
Famous for his tobacco habit, Charlie the chimpanzee has died at the age of 52 at Bloemfontein Zoo in South Africa. The strange thing is for a smoker, he lived 10 years longer than the average for a chimp in captivity.

For those of you who have never heard about Charlie, which is quite possible as he is far more famous in the southern hemisphere, he started smoking many years ago when he picked up a discarded cigarette and copied what he had seen thousands of visitors doing in front of him.

From that time on, he would beg for cigarettes from visitors, and even though it was completely banned, he would often manage to sneak a cigarette from someone.

Even funnier was that nobody knows how many Charlie smoked, because, much like a naughty schoolboy, he would hide his cigarette whenever he saw an approaching guard… sorry, keeper.

The zoo maintains that Charlie was only an ‘occasional smoker’ and showed no signs of addiction or withdrawal when cigarettes were not available. What do they know? He probably had a stash of several thousand that the guards (sorry, keepers) didn’t even know about.

Charlie is to have a post mortem, and then he will be stuffed for posterity… I really hope the taxidermist has a sense of humour and displays him holding a cigarette!