Reward Reject
Police Chief, Isidro López, the head of the criminal investigation department in the state of Oaxaca in the south of Mexico was chuffed to bits when he and his team were awarded 450,000 dollars for capturing a gang of robbers, who had stolen 13 million dollars.
However, Mr. López then had what is commonly known as a ‘raging head fit,’ when he and his men were put under investigation after the gang claimed that the said officers had stolen a good part of the loot.
So, it came to pass, that when Isidro and his men were given their reward by the state governor, Gabino Cué, at a special ceremony, and in front of astonished guests, Isidro started throwing the money back at the governor.
Isidro explained later that he did not mind being investigated and even suggested that it was a necessary part of modern police work. But what had really got up his nose was that it was all being done on the basis of statements made by the criminals.
According to local media sources, the governor looked visibly upset by the money throwing protest. The investigation continues.
Pleasure Permission
The Ministry of Labour in Brazil has actually given a woman permission to masturbate at work… she obviously doesn’t work for our Ed, who does enough of that kind of thing for everyone on the team and then wonders why he needs glasses! (At least I don’t drive around in a car called a Pajero… – Ed)
Back to our languid lady of leisure, Ana Catarina Silvares, a 36-year-old accountant who suffers from an orgasm compulsion disorder, which is allegedly caused by a chemical imbalance in the cerebral cortex region.
Dr. Carlos Howert Junior is treating Ana and has managed to reduce her necessity to masturbate down from 47 to 18 times a day, but he believes she cannot avoid bashing a quick one out when necessary and therefore requested special dispensation for Ana through the Ministry of Labour.
The Ministry agreed to assist the poor woman and gave permission for her to masturbate for 15 minutes every two hours and even included a small clause allowing her to use her work computer to view erotic images to assist her. All the Ed wants to know is ‘does she keep a video diary?’
Pipe Pierce
We at the Gazette do love a story with an X-ray picture to back it up, and as you can see, they don’t come much more bizarre than this one! Incredibly, the victim, from Las Vegas in the US, lived to tell the tale.
Andrew Linn is the name of the unlucky driver, who managed to lose control of his car and crash it through a chain link fence, dislodging a supporting metal tube, which came flying through his windscreen.
The pole entered his face just below and to the right of his nose and came out through his neck at the base of the skull.
Mr. Linn is now up and around and did an interview for US television in which he said, “There are no words to describe how scared you are in that moment, because the last thing I remember is going to bed, going to sleep, and I wake up to all this, so it’s kind of overwhelming to say the least,” he explained.
According to doctors, the only reason Linn survived the impaling was because all the blood vessels in the path of the pipe were merely compressed and not torn apart.
I watched the video of the interview on the Internet and one has to say the chap doesn’t look all that bad… Lucky Linn! (He’d be looking a lot worse if the Brazilian Minister of Labour had given him permission to… – Ed)
Zimbabwe Rape Puzzle
The African media are all over this story at the moment, with several different versions circulating in both newspapers and on the net.
The story centres around a group of women in Zimbabwe who are allegedly travelling around the country drugging and then raping men in order to steal their semen.
The latest victim was picked up in Harare after being tricked into a Mercedes (Is nothing sacred? – Ed) vehicle with three women and the promise of a lift to his destination. He claims that it wasn’t exactly the sort of ride that he was expecting, because they took him to a back road near the town of Chegutu, drugged him and then took turns at having sex with him. He also alleges that they used condoms, which they then tied up and put into a small box that was in the glove compartment of the vehicle.
After relieving the poor chap of his ‘man juice’ the girlie gonad grabbers then proceeded to relieve him of his money and valuables, before dumping him at the side of the road without even saying “I’ll call you.”
The victim then took his empty wallet, pockets and sack to the nearest police station, where he was surprised to find that he wasn’t the only person that this had happened to, with similar reports from other towns in Zimbabwe, including Karoi and Beatrice.
The semen stealing sirens have yet to be apprehended, however police confirmed that they are taking the matter very seriously and that investigations are continuing.
iDump4U
As the old Neil Sedaka song says, ‘breaking up is hard to do.’ Well not any more! All you have to do is contact iDump4U and they will get rid of your annoying partner for you.
When the Ed put me on to this story, he put a little note with the message just saying, ‘could only be American,’ and he has pretty much hit the nail on the head.
Back to the nuts and bolts of this wonderfully cowardly service, which basically a third-party service that will dump your partner for you if you are so weak and feeble that you are unable to speak in person or telephone him/her yourself.
The founder, Bradley Laborman explains, “We provide breakups for people who can’t handle the breaking up… It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.” (Yes – the partner involved – what the devil is wrong with these damned colonials? – Ed)
Anyone using the service must provide personal information, including first and last names, email address, telephone number as well as similar information on the person to be dumped. They also need to explain the reason for the dumping.
The information is verified and relationship status checked out via facebook and checking photographs. The call is then made.
Laborman believes the service avoids potentially awkward or even violent situations.
The charges reflect the relationship, with a standard ‘dump’ costing just ten dollars, while ending and engagement is 25 dollars and the big one, initiating a divorce is 50 dollars, although Labroman is quick to point out that no one has yet requested the ‘divorce dump’ service.
Just in case you think this is a ‘made up’ story, you can check out the facts at iDump4U.com, however, I recommend you clear your computer history before your partner uses it. (What’s the rate for dumping the mother-in-law – hideously expensive, I imagine – Ed)
Milk Man
If you are going to steal milk, it’s always best to adorn the appropriate attire, and to that end Jonathan Payton, 18, of North Stafford, Virginia in the US decided to wear that old favourite disguise of the milk thief… the cow costume.
He wandered into his local Walmart on all fours, nudging a shopping trolley along in front of him until he reached the dairy section. He then stood up, loaded around 92 dollars worth of milk into the trolley, and just casually walked straight out of the store… obviously hoping that the staff and security officer were looking the udder way. (*Gagging sounds in/off*)
Outside the store, he started trying to give the milk away to the public… that was until the police turned up, whereupon Jonathan decided to make his getaway, by skipping across the car park. However, he was quite easily spotted, and after a very stern talking to by the officers, he was given a summons to appear in court and then released at the scene. The police waited around for a while to make sure Payton moooved on without causing any more trouble.
Doggy Style
Whether you are a doggy person or not, you can’t help but notice the huge industry around the humble pooch. From doggy spas that offer aromatherapy, to organic dog-foods and even designer clothing made to fit every conceivable size of hound.
Well, now a Belgian gentleman by the name of Bernard Schol has opened Toutou Bar, and yes, you’ve guessed it, the place caters only for dogs.
To tempt the choosy Chihuahua’s and spoilt Spaniels there is a full range of foods with no salt or in the case of the ice cream, no sugar. There is even alcohol-free beer, specially brewed to appeal to dog’s specialised taste buds. What a fantastic idea… let’s hope it remains solely in Belgium! (Bloody country went to the dogs years ago! – Ed)
Virgin for Sale
Noelle, A 20-year-old Dutch student, has auctioned her virginity through a website for an escort agency called Escort Yantra in Antwerp.
The winner of the auction paid 50,000 euros to spend 24 hours with Noelle and will be able to take her out for the day and then spend the night in a hotel with her or at his house.
According to the manager of Yantra Escort, Sarah Zentjens, all the bidders were screened and the true identity of Noelle and the bidder are a closely guarded secret, even between the two of them. Even so, as you can imagine, the auction has caused a good deal of controversy, even amongst the ultra-liberal Dutch. The controversy did not lessen, even with the news that Noelle was donating five percent of her fee to War Child, a Dutch charity that assists child victims of war.
There were pictures of Noelle on the website, but all with her face disguised and the only description the winner had was ‘1.72m tall, size 36, long brown hair and light brown, almond shaped eyes.’ Let’s hope it was worth it… for both of them! (If the bidder is circus clown, would that be Virgin on the Ridiculous’? – Ed)
Hair Cut
There have been some very dodgy haircuts seen on football fields around the world, but this may be the first time that someone has been sent off for allegedly sporting dangerous hair.
Nathan Van Someren, who plays Australian Rules Football for the Simpson Tigers in Victoria was told to leave the field of play in the third quarter of their match against Otway Districts, because his spiky Mohican-style hair was deemed to be a danger to other players.
In his defence, it should be pointed out that Van Someren had been playing with the same hairdo for the previous three seasons without a problem.
“I came on as a substitute and the umpire came across to me and goes, “I thought I told you that you couldn’t come on the ground,” explained Van Someren.
The reason that was given for the sending off was that the spikes could have poked another player in the eye.
Barking Back
A man in the United States has found himself in court after barking at a police dog. Being the US, he has decided to fight the case by claiming that his actions were part of his right of free speech.
The alleged offender, Ryan Stephens, had been drinking alcohol prior to the alleged barking incident and was charged with the misdemeanour of taunting the police dog. The police report said, “Stephens was making barking noises and was hissing at the police dog, which was inside the patrol car.”
The police officer who arrested 25-year-old Stephens was investigating a car crash outside a bar when he said he heard the police dog “barking uncontrollably” with Stephens standing outside the vehicle taunting the animal.
Officer Walker said that Stephens appeared very intoxicated and ordered him to sit in the rear of another nearby police vehicle. He was later released into the custody of a co-worker who took him home.
The case continues and attorney Jim L. Hardin is representing Stephens who is continuing with the free speech defence. He may well be barking up the wrong tree.
Long Smoke
It’s official… the world’s longest cigar measures 81.80 meters and was created by the most famous of Cuban cigar makers, Jose Castelar Cairo, known to his fans as ‘el Cueto.’ Although it should be pointed out that he does have a few assistants who also helped roll the sizeable smoke.
Agents from The Guinness Book of Records arrived from Britain to check the length of Jose’s cigar and agreed that the master had set a new world record, beating his own previous best, which was a mere 60 meters in length. Pretty good going, considering his first attempt at a record in 2001 saw him produce a tiny specimen of just 11.04 meters. Then in 2003 he managed 14.86 meters. In 2005 he managed to crack the 20-meter mark with 20.41 meters, and in 2008 he’d upped the ante by achieving 45.38 meters!
But the 67-year-old tobacco titan isn’t finished yet and has set himself the challenge of rolling a mammoth cigar of 100 meters… explaining that as long as el Cueto is alive, the longest cigar in the world will always be a cigar rolled in Cuba.
Inflation
This story went around the world faster than that Messi shot went passed Van der Sar in the European Cup final, so most of you may well have heard about it… but it is rather funny, as long as you are not the victim of course, so we’ll run with it anyway.
Steven McCormack had a painful encounter with a high-pressure brake hose while working on his truck in the small, New-Zealand town of Opotiki.
He was standing in the area between the cab and the trailer when the freak accident occurred which saw him fall onto a brass nozzle, which was connected to the truck’s air brakes. The nozzle pierced his left buttock and the compressed air started to fill his body at around 100 pounds per square inch. The result was that Steven’s body blew up like a balloon, which, whilst having a great deal of comedy value, was also extremely painful. “In a matter of minutes my body blew to twice its size,” Mr. McCormack explained.
The manager of the truck company, Robbie Petersen, who witnessed the accident went to McCormack’s aid, “before we knew it, his face went up like a balloon,” he said.
Despite poor old puffy McCormack’s predicament, the manager and staff managed to isolate the air supply and lift him from the nozzle. They laid him on his side and applied ice packs to his neck… all of which saved his life, as the paramedics didn’t arrive until an hour later.
“We knew we needed to help him quickly,” said a co-worker. “The pain was unreal, but lifting him up and off the nozzle was the worse.”
When the paramedics did arrive, they were unable to get a needle into McCormack’s body because the air pressure inside his body just kept pushing the needle and any fluid out and they couldn’t even get a tube through his nostril to give him oxygen (Oh that’s clever… even more bloody air!)
Doctors managed to get air into his lungs after rushing him into hospital and managed to drain off excess fluid, but the air had to leave his body by ‘natural process.’ Alright, there is no other way of explaining it, he had to fart for three days to get rid it all, which probably explains why in the picture there are not too many people gathered around his bedside!
Michelin-Man McCormack has made a full recovery and after farting around at home for two weeks went back to work.
USA Domestic Bliss
We do apologise to our American readership, but this one, which was found online, does again come under the category ‘only in America.’
Police in Florida are investigating an incident in which a couple, who are now in the process of divorce proceedings, had a domestic dispute during which they both got drunk and the woman then opened up with an assault rifle… killing the washing machine!
As one does in the US, the couple had a ‘shooting range’ and targets in their closet, but in her drunken state, the woman started getting a bit wayward with her aim and sent rounds flying through walls and eventually through the washing machine.
The police were called and both parties were taken into custody and asked to explain themselves in sworn statements, to which the woman allegedly replied, “I’ll try my best, but I’m drunk.”
The husband did try to explain what happened to the police, “We were arguing and she just grabbed the gun from the safe and started shooting and punching holes in the walls,” he said, “then she hit the washing machine and the house flooded, so I went inside to clean it up.”
Although neither party has been charged with any offences as yet, the couple have been advised to keep away from each other and the husband’s three guns were seized as evidence.
Just so you don’t worry, the washing machine didn’t suffer… it was a clean kill. (Knew you’d put a spin on it! – Ed)
Bad Dog!
A pig farmer from Norfolk in the UK has made the news by trying to get rid of her dog, free of charge, as she describes him as the ‘worst dog ever.’
Mrs. Tem Sosa caused a local sensation with her hilarious advert in which she describes her pet, Border collie, Bob, as thieving, bad-tempered with wonky teeth and bad breath. This is how the advert was worded:
Evil Bob would love to find the perfect home as I have put up with him for nearly ten years and can’t take much more.
He is probably the worst dog you will ever meet. He started life as a failed mountain rescue dog – probably peed on the climber and stole their Kendal mint cake.
He has caused nothing but trouble here, as he doesn’t fit in well with a large group of dogs. He looks older than his years, has wonky teeth, bad breath and a bad attitude. He is terrified of cats, snaps at horses’ heels and nips pigs.
He should not be left unsupervised indoors as he steals food of the side, licks the cooker and pees at terrier height so as not to get the blame.
So, there you have it, does Bob sound like the kind of companion you could warm too? My wife has strongly suggested that the description is one that she may borrow to ‘off load’ some unwanted baggage of her own. Not quite sure what she means by that…
As for Bob, well Mrs Sosa did concede that Bob has got one or two endearing qualities, “He does travel quietly in the car and will lie under your desk at work all day,” she concluded.
Choking Chopstick
There are a few pictures of this rather gruesome incident knocking around on the Internet and it involves a mouth, some chopsticks and a basketball, you can tell it doesn’t end well already can’t you?
We can all remember being told off as children for running with something in our mouths. Or just the simple, “Take-that-out-of-your-mouth!” line, for anything that wasn’t food. Well, this goes to show that your mother is always right.
Chinese student Xiao Wei was on his way to the college canteen with his lunchbox and chopsticks, a route that took him across the basketball court. Halfway across the court his mobile phone began to ring, so, as you do, he popped the chopsticks into his mouth so he could put his hand in his pocket to retrieve the phone.
He had no sooner got the phone to his ear when he was hit full in the face by a stray basketball, thrusting one of the chopsticks straight through the bottom of his jaw.
The chopstick managed to avoid anything vital and surgeons at a nearby hospital removed it. We think Xiao may well pay more heed to the advice of his mother in future.
As a footnote, according to the Internet, Chinese hospitals often have to deal with chopstick incidents, including the strange case last year of a 50-year-old man who underwent surgery to remove a chopstick that he swallowed nearly 28 years ago… apparently it was starting to give him stomach pains.
Plane Stupid
I’m very sorry, but I like Dan Reeves, who hails from Cumberland County in Pensilvania, USA. You see, he had a dream, albeit a small dream, that he could build his own aeroplane. To that end, he decided that with his limited budget and space he would do it by mail order.
Thus the building of his two-seater aircraft began in his basement, with just a few parts arriving at a time, he set about building his dream machine.
Our determined Dan spent nine years assembling the parts as they arrived, and to be fair, he realised quite early on he was in trouble and would not be able to get what he had constructed so far out of the cellar.
Undeterred and showing fine and hard ‘settler’ spirit and endeavour, he continued to build his aircraft until it was complete… and still in the cellar.
Then recently a sign went up outside his house “Airplane Removal Wednesday” which drew a sizeable crowd. A trench was dug down to the foundation of the property and he then proceeded to remove the entire cellar wall (with supports in place for all you worriers out there!) and removed his pride and joy, to the cheers of the gathered locals and press.
Reeves admitted, with some pride, that he spent 40,000 dollars on the plane and around 5,000 on removing it from the cellar.
God bless you Dan; that’s the spirit!
(News: World/Satirical)