Tongue Lashing
There are several ways that you can tell if a woman is perhaps not as enthusiastic about her man as she once was. Long silences, lack of sex or even an affair, but Karen Lueders decide to make her feelings felt by biting her husband’s tongue off when he tried to give her a kiss goodnight.

The unfortunate husband, Willard Lueders, managed to get to a phone and call the emergency services and say, “urghhg larssshh fushssh mpphs.” Seriously, he did manage to mumble that he need medical assistance at his home in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, USA.

When the police arrived on the scene, Mrs. Lueders through coffee over them, however, they did manage to find the 79-year-old husband’s severed tongue, which they packed in ice and handed over to medical staff.
Needless to say that the lovely Mrs. Lueders was arrested and was last heard of being mentally assessed before any decision could be taken on her fate.

Willard said that his wife was acting very strange in the lead up to the tongue incident, speaking very fast and rambling on about spiritual things. He also explained that the evening had been completely normal, with the couple enjoying singing Christmas carols together, but when 57-year-old Karen reached for his genitals on their way to bed, poor old Willard thought he was about to get an early Christmas present, but as he kissed her, the grip on his nether regions became that of a hydraulic vice as a prelude to her tongue nipping nastiness.

Rudolph Wreck
Don’t you just hate it when your inflatable explodes at the crucial moment? Well that’s what happened during a Christmas parade in Richmond, Virginia, as a giant Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer managed to impale himself on some traffic lights and burst!

The inflatable Rudolph was being guided by drunken idiots (sorry, antler-wearing elves), using ropes, but failed to heed the worried cries of onlookers who could see they were dragging Santa’s sack nibbler towards the traffic lights.

There was a brief moment when the situation could have been retrieved, as Rudolph was only caught by his nose, but the interbred banjo players (sorry, elves), managed to drag the entire Rudolph head over the lights whilst trying to free the nose, and burst the flimsy material.

To a chorus of dismayed sighs from onlookers, Rudolph and his very shiny nose sank to the floor and lay dying like a deflated party balloon.

Luckily Santa was not injured in the incident and managed to fulfil his Christmas obligations using only a VW Camper and a copy of The Seaside Gazette.

Anything to Declare?
You mean apart from the two parrots, a squirrel and several snakes?

Incredibly this is a true story from Abu Dhabi, where an airline passenger was caught smuggling a bag on board an aircraft filled with these animals heading for the United Arab Emirates.

Eagle-eyed airport staff noticed something strange about a passenger’s hand luggage, like the fact that it was writhing! They asked the passenger to open his back, and out popped his menagerie.

To make the story even more incredible, the man had actually already flown in from Indonesia with the animals, and nobody had even noticed! They probably thought that the in-flight snacks were a little on the lively side, but apart from that… nothing!

The snakes were, according to experts, nothing more than harmless reticulated and blood pythons, and a spokesman for the Abu Dhabi police said the man was allowed to continue on his journey, but minus his collections of beasts, which were last seen in Abu Dhabi as a feather duster, a handbag and a Christmas nut receptacle.

Jet Sex
Here goes with the Seaside Gazette big bang theory… a big bang makes crocodiles as horny as hell! Some of you are probably thinking that I make this rubbish up… well you’d be wrong. You just ask any old Israeli fighter pilot.

It turns out that every time an Israeli fighter jet breaks the sound barrier over a crocodile-breeding farm in the Golan Heights the horny crocodile inmates let out their ritual mating cry… so says the Daily Maariv newspaper, who I am sure are just as reliable in their reporting as our good selves.

The mating calls appear to be in response to the sonic booms, which seem to fool the crocs into believing that other rival males are making mating signals.

Head of crocodile breeding at the Hamat Gadar Park, told the Daily Maariv, “The powerful squealing noises, reminiscent of the sound of a car braking, can be heard from hundreds of metres around.” As there are around 100 crocs in the park so the noise must be quite impressive.

Park officials told the press not to expect a baby reptile boom, as the official mating season, where the noises are converted into actions, will not begin until the summer.

Ho Ho Hand Over the Cash
Last year we reported on a man dressed as Santa who robbed a bank in the USA. Well this year it’s Berlin, Germany, and this time it’s two Santa Clauses who robbed a supermarket.

Outfits donned and white beards covering faces, the two men rushed into the supermarket and pointed a gun at one of the check-out girls, demanding that she and her colleague hand over money from the tills (hardly in the festive spirit!).

Neither of the sales assistants was hurt in the incident, although their faith in human nature probably took a bit of a knock as the Satanic Santas made off with a bag full of money.

It does appear, however, that one of the Santa scumbags did have a sense of humour… as the money was being loaded into his bag he said he “needed the money to pay his elves.”

Husband/Wife?
After being married for six months, Minati Khatua, from Orissa in India discovered that her husband was actually a woman! Now, call me an old-fashioned weirdo, but I would suggest that during the first six months of ones marriage, the sex of your partner is something you’d probably notice.
The story goes that her ‘husband,’ called Sitakant Routray, kept putting off the consummation part of their marriage by making the excuse that he/she was observing a religious ritual. That worked until Minati walked in on her/him/it having a bath, and at first thought that her husband had the worst case of ‘man boobs’ ever seen. But then she noticed that he was also lacking the all-important todger… what a cock-up… or not.

“I thought he was devout and respectful of me, but when I walked into the bathroom there was no mistaking that my husband was 100% a woman.”

To add insult to injury, the ‘husband’ then made off with a car and a jeep, which were purchased using loans taken from Ms. Khatua’s bank account, which really goes to show he really was a complete twat all along.

Hard Santa Truth
We all know just how good Roman Catholic Priests are with children don’t we… well, an archbishop in Argentina caused a bit of a stir when he told children that Santa Claus was not real, but instead a commercialised symbol of Christmas. Harsh… but true, it has to be said.
“That’s not Christmas,” said Archbishop Fabriciano Sigampa of the northern city of Resistencia during the mass, adding that children should not confuse celebrating the birth of Christ “with a fat man dressed in red.”

Cheery old Sigampa was mightily miffed by plans for a snow covered cabin in the city’s main square where there would be a Santa’s grotto where Santa would listen to poor children’s wishes and then give them a donated gift.

Sourpuss Sigampa wasn’t impressed by the charitable efforts of the grotto, “surely, during Christmas there will be a deluge of advertisements after they inaugurate the house where a fat man dressed in red lives, and we should not confuse Christmas with that.”

He further enlightened his happy flock, “children should know that, in reality, the gifts they receive are from the efforts of their parents and with the help of God.” (which is not the case of the Three Kings, of course>… – Ed)

Resistencia, being a devout city, cowered at the archbishop’s harsh words and the organisers dropped plans for a Santa and renamed the cabin the ‘House of Christmas,’ so at least the poorest children in their society would at least get a gift.

Personally, I hope the archbishop’s Christmas turkey was undercooked and gave him an almighty case of the trots!

Teacher in Death
Medical students in Stockholm were surprised to see a familiar face at their first autopsy, even more surprising was that the familiar face was that of their teacher, and he was the deceased on the table waiting to be autopsied.
Some of the students were quite shocked by the experience, “The first autopsy is really, really emotional, and we autopsied someone we knew,” one of them told a local news agency.

Chief physician, Birgitta Sundelin, called the incident “extremely unfortunate.”

She did confirm that normally students would be informed of the name and details of the deceased before attending, and she believed that this was the case on this occasion… however, this is strongly denied by the students, who all confirmed the first they knew that it was their recently departed teacher was when they saw his name on the toe tag.

Head of the autopsy department, Tina Dalianis, said that it was a regrettable incident, but also added that the students needed to learn all the ‘tricks of the trade.’
“It’s terrible, but it’s part of education sometimes. Unfortunately they have to deal with it,” she sympathetically concluded.

It would have been a good deal more distressing if halfway through the teacher had sat up and said, “Sven! Now that’s not how I showed you to remove a spleen, is it laddie!” (I bet he would have given them a piece of his mind… – Ed)

Phone Sex Murder
Back to the good old US of A for this one, where, in Milwaukee, a man has been accused of killing a woman because she answered her phone while they were having sex.

The 46-year-old, Garron Lewis, became so enraged that his girlfriend was so under whelmed by his performance that she decided to answer her mobile phone during the act, that he strangled her on the spot.

Lewis has been charged with the first-degree murder of 44-year-old Sharron Drosey and is currently in prison awaiting a court appearance.

It is even more of a tragedy if it was just a wrong number! (Even more understandable if it had been oral sex… Ed)
Wrong Number!

Most of us have sent a text message to the wrong person at some stage, and it can cause a little bit of embarrassment, or even in a worst case scenario, require the sender to do a bit of quick explaining. However, when a 19-year-old Wisconsin, USA, man sent a text message to the wrong number, he really had no idea just how wrong that number could be.

The text message arrived on a handset belonging to a 10-year-old boy, and he didn’t really understand why someone would send him a message saying, ‘You want to buy some hash?’ As the boy was at his grandfather’s house he thought it best to show it to him. The said grandfather, being a State Trooper, decides to send a message back saying ‘yes’ and arranging to meet the unlucky dealer.

Needless to say, within minutes of arriving at the ‘deal,’ the 19-year-old found himself eating asphalt and hearing the snap of the handcuffs locking onto his wrists.

Some dealer he turned out to be… he made a complete hash of the whole thing… what a dope!

Knickers!
A Japanese woman has decided to sue Google after suffering alleged psychological distress after her washing line appeared on the Street View function, featuring her underwear. So distressed is the poor woman, she feels she needs 600,000 yen (6,000 euros) to get over it.

Newspaper reports say that the woman told a court hearing that she, “was overwhelmed with anxiety that I might be the target of a sex crime, it caused me to lose my job and I had to change my residence.”

My God, the woman is nearly as highly strung as her underwear!

To be fair, the woman was already suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which she claims was made much worse when she saw the photo of her smalls when she looked at the site.

The woman, who has not been named, eventually became completely convinced that everything she was doing was being secretly recorded. She was fired from her job at a local hospital and then moved to a new apartment.

Beware of the Dog!
When you think of police dogs, you generally think of German Shepherds, Rottweillers or even drug-enforcement animals, such as Springer Spaniels… but a Chihuahua!

Well, Momo the Chihuahua turned up for her exams along with 70 other hopeful pooches and ignored the scoffs and laughs from the other dogs and their handlers, and then proceeded to pass all the tests with flying colours. In one such test she was given just a quick sniff of a policeman’s cap and then made to wait for five minutes. She then successfully sniffed out the man within minutes.

As we know, Japan is prone to earthquakes and the police like to have sniffer-dogs capable of not just finding nasty robbers, but also people who are possibly buried under tons of rubble. And let’s face it, the tiny Momo can get into areas other dogs would find difficult to even get their heads in. A police spokesperson conceded that the appointment was ‘quite unusual,’ but pointed out, “Any breed of dog can be entered to become a police dog in the search and rescue division.”

People may laugh, but if you’re ever stuck under 10 floors of rubble and suddenly see the smallest of pooches squeeze through a tiny opening in the debris, you may well be rather pleased she joined. (Yes, especially if you haven’t eaten for a week… – Ed)

Cocky Kinsella
An Irish mine worker, Donal Kinsella, has been awarded an incredible 10 million euros in compensation after the mining company he worked for suggested that his naked sleep walk, whilst on a company trip to Africa, was more of bid to have a bit of jungle rumpy-pumpy with a company secretary.

He sued his former employers after they released a press statement which said his antics ‘were sexually motivated and not the result of sleepwalking.’

The legal team acting on behalf of the mining company Kenmare Resources, were shocked by the decision and have applied for an immediate halt on the release of the funds and describing the award as ‘off the Richter Scale.’
It was quite obvious the judge in the case thought the award extraordinary, when he described it as ‘unusually large,’ and during his summing up he actually said to the jury, “Correct me if I’m mistaken… but you have awarded compensatory damages of €9 million and aggravated damages of €1.”

Mr. Kinsella said he was cock-a-hoop with the award and that he would not be flash with the money, adding, “I am vindicated. My name is cleared.”

Toothy Time Bomb
Andi Susanto, a 31-year-old security guard from Indonesia, thought he was pretty cool as he sped along on his motorbike with the wind in his hair and a cigarette hanging casually from his mouth. But, this is the World section, so you can guess that Andi’s day is about to take a turn for the worse.

For some, as yet, unexplained reason, the cigarette in his mouth exploded. But not the little bang we used to get from cigarettes by placing a joke ‘popper’ inside; this explosion caused Mr. Susanto some serious facial damage.

The mushy mouthed Mr. Susanto was immediately taken to hospital where he received several stitches in face and mouth and also had six damaged teeth removed. Then, just to make the story even more mysterious, the tobacco company stepped in and said they would foot the bill for all Mr. Susanto’s medical treatment.

Police launched an investigation into what had caused the cigarette to explode, but as yet there has been no explanation or results from the tests done on the remains.
As for the tooth-worthy Andi Susanto, well he says he has now quit smoking, and as the tobacco company paid for everything, has also decided not to sue them (one wonders how much he actually received).

School Arrest
It’s very easy to use the old ‘only in America’ phrase with this one, but the way political correctness and the lack of respect and discipline in our European schools are going, this could well be happening over hear in the near future.

A 12-year-old Latino girl committed the heinous crime of writing ‘I love my friends, Abby and Faith… Lex was here…’ on her desk. The words were written in ‘washable’ ink, and in my, rather different schooldays, would have resulted in a good hiding and my break time being spent cleaning the desk and probably all the others in the class.

However, in today’s climate of fear where the teaching staff is not allowed to touch the children or discipline them in any meaningful way, staff in New York turned ‘school security’ over to the police in 1998. Although this move proved to be a good idea at first, the number of police assigned to schools has increased by 73 percent since then.

Anyway, back to our young Latino girl, Alexa González, who had been caught writing on her desk. Well, the teaching staff, unwilling to punish the girl themselves, took the easy option of informing the on-site police of the damage caused. The police, who are no experts when it comes school discipline, followed up the complaint in the only way they knew how, which was to slap the cuffs on Alexa and take her to the police station.

She was later taken with a parent to a family court that imposed eight hours community service and ordered her to write an essay on what she had learned from the experience.

This is not an isolated incident in NY by any means, so watch this space, coming to a school near you, children in handcuffs and taken away in police cars.