Wonky World – March

Porn Pastor
The Rev. Keith LeBlanc, who until June last year, was pastor of the small town of Haverhill in the US, has found himself in deep holy water after stealing 83,000 dollars, of which he used 25,000 to pay off a credit card debt, run up, looking at porn sites.

Speaking for the Archdiocese of Boston, Terrence Donilon would not comment on the allegations, “because this is an ongoing legal proceeding, it would be inappropriate for me to comment. That said, we continue to pray for Keith and for the parish of St. John the Baptist and for all those impacted by these events,” he said.

LeBlanc has now been charged with larceny and forgery and released on bail until his court date. Investigations have shown that the pervy pastor had a credit card that he used to view online pornography, also that he has admitted that he has a pornography addiction problem… 25,000 dollars, it would have been cheaper to have a heroin addiction!

It is believed that lusty LeBlanc has now been admitted to a recovery centre in Pennsylvania for priests with behavioural issues… if you wish to visit him, he’s easy to recognise… a very thin man, but with a heavily muscled right arm.

Doggy Bag?
Thirty years ago, the Ed wanted to impress upon me that pet food was, in effect, just a different kind of food from what we humans are used to, but at the end of the day, still just food. To make his point he than proceeded to eat a mouthful of cat food from a can… without batting an eyelid! If any readers have seen the Ed lately, it would appear he has now eaten an entire cat, but that’s another story.

The reason I drag up the Ed’s culinary curious past is that there is a man in Las Vegas, USA, who has equally as few pet food scruples as he does.

Michael Konowalski has started what he is calling ‘an organic do food diet,’ during which he will eat nothing but dog food.

He intends to keep this up for a total of 30 days, or maybe more, as part of The Choice Project, which is a food challenge created by Mr. Konowalski to prove that lifestyle changes are the best way to improve your health, “It’s a concept to make people realise that the dog food I’m eating is actually better that the standard American diet,” he barked.

Previously Mr. Konowalski has experimented with a junk food diet, eating anything he wanted, when he wanted, combined with limited or no exercise, this went on for 11 months, after which he went for a month eating only double cheeseburgers with extra mayonnaise.

Now after just three days of the dog-food diet, he has lost seven pounds. Once the experiment is complete, Mr. Konowalski says he will return to he healthy diet combined with regular exercise. I wonder what his dog is eating during this?

Berlin Wall
Having renovated a few houses over the years, I can freely admit to having made some very silly mistakes, some of the early ones being, at best, rather embarrassing, and one or two, at worst, outright dangerous!

However, a 64-year-old man from Gumperda in eastern Germany has made me feel a whole lot better after accidentally bricking himself into his own cellar.

Deciding that it would be a good idea to seal off the old damp cellar, our dippy DIY enthusiast armed himself with a nice big pile of bricks, some mortar, a bottle of water and enough enthusiasm to re-float the Irish economy.

Mixing his mortar on the basement floor, as the mess wouldn’t matter after the place was sealed off, he set to work laying bricks.

It was whilst looking at his completed wall that reality dawned on our brainy bricklayer, who then thought he would wait a couple of days, as someone was bound to call round. Then, when nobody turned up to rescue him, and he’d finished the last of his water, he looked first at his lovely new brickwork, then he looked at the old dirty brickwork of the connecting wall to his neighbour’s cellar… needless to say, and much to the anger of his neighbours, he used his hammer drill to break through the connecting wall, only to find two policemen waiting for him.

The police have said they are investigating the incident, although we, at the Gazette, are at a loss as to what he can be charged with… ‘Stupidly in possession of a trowel?’ (Invading his neighbours? – Ed)

Facebook Cuts
As a means of finding old friends and keeping in touch with existing ones, Facebook has the leading light in social networking during the last few years.

However, there are downsides to this phenomenon, such as bullying, grooming and even violence… Yes, that’s right, just ask poor old Maurice Davenport from Indianapolis in the USA.

Maurice, a 22-year-old man, told police that he, “had gotten into a verbal altercation over a Facebook page,” with his girlfriend, 21-year-old Shemicka McVey.
Miss Bunny-Boiling McVey took umbrage at her boyfriend’s decision to hide his profile page from her, and to make her point (literally) she allegedly stabbed him with a kitchen knife.

The police were called and Madder-than-a-March-Hare McVey told them that she had followed her boyfriend downstairs where they continued to argue about Facebook, and it was at that time she claims she accidentally stabbed Mr. Davenport with a knife she happened to pick up. She also claimed that Davenport had punched her in the head during the argument.

Mr. Davenport was treated for minor cut injuries, and the couple are no longer living together… Mr. Davenport’s Facebook page now has him listed as single.

Trouserless Taiwanese
It is believed to have started in New York, and this year was also celebrated in London and other world cities… we are of course talking about the annual No Trouser Day, held every January.

The day basically involves anyone who wants to take part travelling to work on the Metro/Underground wearing no trousers. Well now, over a month too late, Taiwan decided it wanted to take part in the celebration.

To say the move was nothing more than publicity stunt would sum up the occasion in a sentence. Whereas, in other cities, men and women of all shapes and sizes bared their legs to the cold in what, has to be said, a quite amusing thumbing of the nose at conformity. However, in Taiwan it appeared only 20 people decided to take part, and they all seemed to be young female models.

Hopefully, this is just the start and next year many more will take part.

As mentioned before, it is believed to have started in the New York in 2002 and sees the participants sharing trains with everyday commuters. The pioneers of the No Trousers Day say the event is celebrated to do nothing more than cause scenes of chaos and joy in public places.
Taiwan… five out of ten I’m afraid, but better luck next year!

Money Laundering
We all know that ‘money laundering’ is really the act of exchanging criminally acquired cash for legitimate funds and has nothing to do with the physical cleanliness of the actual money… but in this case.

An employee of JP Morgan Chase Bank, in New York, USA, took 30,000 dollars in 20-dollar bills into the vault of her bank and exchanged it for the same amount, but in 100-dollar notes. The reason for this strange action… to clean the money up and have some cash that didn’t smell quite so bad.

Being a trusted employee, bosses at the bank authorised the switch believing her story that the nearby Bank of America branch was low on 100-dollar bills.

The naughty moneychanger, Natanzia St. Rose, then did the reverse by popping into the Bank of America loaded up with 20,000 dollars in 20’s and asking for 100’s as her bank was running low.

Bosses at her own bank smelled a rat… or rather a spliff. A beady-eyed supervisor decided to check with the Bank of America, and the game was up.

The police were informed and discovered that the money St. Rose had left in the vaults had a strong odour of marijuana. St. Rose was arrested and faces charges of narcotics money laundering.

As my underwear will attest… a good laundering doesn’t always get rid of those pungent, heady odours. (WMD,Y-fronts? – Ed)

Hail (iPhone) Mary

Jose Montalvo

When the Catholic Church in the United States sanctioned the use of an iPhone App in matters of confession, we had great visions of Catholic priests saving thousands of dollars on their pornography credit card bills as they received the confessions of thousands of young people by mobile phone.

However, the Vatican has made it clear that Catholics cannot actually confess using this App, and that technology is no substitute for having a priest present to confess your sins to.

Father Federico Lombardi released a statement following the sanctioning of the App adding, “One cannot speak in any way of confessing via iPhone,” he said, “the confession requires the presence of a priest, and this cannot be substituted by any IT application.”

The App itself is called ‘Confession’ and is believed to be the first ever App to be approved by a church authority. But the aim is not to confess your sins and forward them to your local priest, but to guide Catholics through the sacrament and if you believe the hype supplied by it’s creators, gives a ‘personalised examination of conscience for each user.’

The Ed has this App for his shiny new iPhone, but unfortunately the memory is not quite large enough to hold the plethora of sins to which he needs to confess. (My only sin is being sin dinero – Ed)

Condom Mystery
A shipment of 85,000 boxes of condoms went missing from the port of Tokyo, Japan, in total 725,000 rubbery sheaths somehow vanished into thin air.

The Nipponese authorities can not explain how such a large shipment of anything could disappear from the country’s capital port, and they have ensured everyone that they are taking the theft extremely seriously. The said condoms have a value of around one million euros.

The Sagami brand contraceptives were loaded and departed from Malaysia, but when the containers were opened in Tokyo the condoms were gone and the locks on the containers had been changed.

As a footnote, Sangami condoms are the largest manufacturer of condoms in the east, and have been making the blighters for 80 years. The company was the first to come up with the idea of coloured condoms and for many years has supplied the world’s thinnest condoms, at only 0.02mm!

The company has stated that this is the first time a theft of this scale has occurred, but have assured the Japanese people that they do not have to worry about any shortage of condoms due to this incident.

Both the Nipponese and Malaysian authorities agree that the theft was committed by an organised-crime gang, however, they also agree that the shipment will be extremely difficult to off-load… no matter how lubricated the booty is.

Pea Problem
Retired teacher Ron Sveden had been short of breath for months before he eventually went to hospital. He was told by doctors to expect bad news when they found a grainy shadow on his lung on the X-ray image.

However, this being the World section, there is obviously a twist to this story, and on this occasion it turns out to be a sprouting pea!

It turned out that Ron had that age-old problem when eating a meal, when a little bit of food ‘goes down the wrong way.’ Well in his case, right down into his lung, where is sprouted and began to grow.

The reason he hadn’t gone to the doctor earlier was that he suffered from emphysema anyway and just thought the condition was worsening.

Ron said that he had never felt anything growing in chest and just had repeated coughing fits that never seemed to dislodge the obstruction.

Recovering at home from his surgery his friends and family have sent him cards and canned peas as get-well gifts. Ron can see the funny side now… perhaps doctors should check his pulse!

Polish Plonker
We have always loved a bungling burglar story here at the Gazette, and they don’t come much more stupid that Pawel Adamczyk, a 27-year-old Polish burglar, who got himself in a bit of a fix during one of his raids.

He carefully made a hole in the garden fence and sneaked through. He then entered the house and filled his coat pockets with all sorts of goodies.

However, this is when his problems began, because back at the hole in the fence, he found that all his stolen goods would not fit back through the hole with him. Being drunk, Adamczyk did not think to empty his pockets, climb through and then reach back for the stolen goods, or even to carefully make the hole a bit bigger… no, Pawel thought it would be much easier just to knock on the door of the house and ask the occupant to let him out.

Needless to say, the occupant was not as hospitable and Pawel may have wished, and in fact delivered a right hook worthy of Mohamed Ali and then called the police.

Pawel is now residing at a place in which egress is equally as difficult.

Doctor, Doctor!
Sometimes, you just really need a beer… Or so it would seem for a doctor in Massachusetts, USA, who ram-raided an off-licence to grab one last beer to round off his evening.

CCTV footage of the incident shows Dr. Joseph Grillo, driving a large SUV, destroy the entire front of the shop as he crashes into it. He then reaches out of the drivers window for a beer, realises he has ‘parked’ too far away to reach it, then just backs out and drives away.

Surveying the front of the shop, and explaining that repair would cost tens of thousands, the manager, John Wayland, was in philosophical mood, “word must be getting out about our wide selection of beers that people are willing to come at all hours and break down the doors to get their hands on it,” he said, “and apparently, someone obviously thought we had a drive-through! In future, please just call,” commented the witty wine seller.

Dr. Grillo on the other hand was probably not seeing the funny side of things, as a nearby police officer heard the crash of his vehicle entering the store and arrested him shortly after the incident.

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