Wonky World
Serial Defecator
Police have finally caught a man in Florida who, for reasons that are completely lost on us, has been defecating in the entrances to mobile classrooms at a local school. Local police had even managed to get CCTV footage of the phantom crapper, who had been leaving regular ‘messages’ since September 9th.
The said man is 23-year-old Kenneth Martin Sorsony, who was filmed calmly arriving at the school during the night, a roll of toilet paper in his hand, before releasing his odious load onto the steps outside a classroom.
The local press, namely The Gainesville Sun, says the man explained to the police officers that questioned him that his actions were the result of ‘evil spirits’ and that he was aware he needed help.
Just before we go into one of my ‘only in America’ phases, we should point out that police in the south east of England are also in pursuit of a similar offender, who, in many ways, is a lot worse than our smelly American friend.
This man – who has also been caught several times on CCTV and is clearly madder than a bag of frogs – defecates on trains… then smears his waste all over the windows! In some cases, it has been so bad the train has had to be removed from service. With up to 65,000 euros worth of damage so far, police are very keen to sniff him out!
Good Cop, Bad Cop
What would be the worst possible thing that could happen if you were out one day pretending to be a police office? Well you should really ask that question of Tyree Appleberry, a 42-year-old security guard in Albuquerque, New Mexico, USA.
Being a security guard, he had been supplied with a nice blue uniform with all manner of nice badges and buckles. They even supplied him with a posh Chevy Tahoe, complete with nice blue flashing lights on top, in case he needed to move around the large site he was protecting in haste.
Unfortunately, the cerebrally challenged Appleberry decided to ‘play cop’ and exert some of his authority by stopping a driver by putting on his blue lights. However, some people in this cruel world are just plain unlucky… the driver of the car just happened to be a plain-clothes police officer.
Just to give the other side of the story, Appleberry claims he was not pretending to be a police officer, “At no time did I say I was a cop, did I pretend to be a cop, did I badge anybody. At no time did that happen.”
He claims the reason for stopping the vehicle was to ask the driver what he was doing in the parking area next to a car auction yard where his friend works.
Who knows? Maybe he was just trying to be a good citizen… well we’re sure he’ll explain that to the police… along with an explanation about his outstanding warrant for failing to appear in court on a reckless driving charge.
Keep Your Eye Out!
Italian man, 46-year-old Aldo Bianchini, has obviously had enough of the priest’s sermon, so much so in fact that he jumped up, ripped his eyes out of his head, before collapsing in a pool of blood in the aisle.
The priest explained the events, “I had only just started the sermon, when all of a sudden I heard a large commotion and there was a man at the back of the knave, screaming and tearing at his face. I realised he was gouging at his eyes and called for assistance.”
“The paramedics were quickly at the scene,” he continued, “he was taken away and then I carried on celebrating Mass, but a lot of people had left by then, in shock at what they had witnessed.”
Nobody knows what drove Aldo to self-harm to this degree, some of the local media has suggested he was influenced by a Biblical reference, in which Jesus tells people to gouge out their eyes, if those eyes have “caused them to sin.”
Who knows? But on a personal note, as the son of a strict Methodist father, I sat through some incredibly boring sermons as a youngster and often considered all kinds of horrible acts to free me from the torment. Having said that, most of my bloodletting fantasies were directed at the boring old fart in the pulpit… but at just six, I wasn’t quite big enough to carry them out!
